[taken at my wedding 10 years ago]

{below is a re-post from September, when we thought we were going to lose her}

i don't really use this blog much for journaling. it's basically about the girls, what we do, so i don't forget, and so our family can keep up with us.

but, tonight it's about me. what i'm feeling, what's going on in my life.


my adorable, wonderful, Godly, amazing grandma is coming down with pneumonia. there was a chest x-ray done, and she has a spot on her lung.

grandma is in her final stages of Alzheimer's and has a living will where no measures are taken except to keep her comfortable and pain free. this means no medicine to fight any illnesses.

most Alzheimer's patients die from other stuff, such as pneumonia.

i remember thinking a year ago or so, "ya know, it probably won't be that difficult when grandma does pass away. i mean, she hasn't really been grandma for at least 4-5 years. i only see her once or twice a year. i bet it won't really affect me like when grandpa died."

well, not true. it sucks. Alzheimer's sucks. what this disease has done to her sucks. her not knowing my name or who i am anymore sucks, and if she could see herself where she is now, she would want to pass on too. she's a shell. Alzheimer's has robbed her of her mind and body, and she spends her days in her wheelchair doing nothing but sitting and being fed, moaning a few sounds and being changed. her life, the way it is right now, sucks. but her dying sucks too.

i feel so selfish for wanting her to fight this pneumonia. why should she? Heaven is awaiting her. what a glorious reward that will be for her. but, i don't feel ready. do you ever feel ready? i doubt it. very selfish of me. death is so final, and i just don't want to deal with the emotions of it all, and how it will affect the whole family. it sucks.

i don't want my mom to hurt anymore than she has had to these past 10+ years since grandma has been diagnosed. i don't want to watch her bury her mother that she has loved and cared for all these years. grandma is the only family member that she has right now. my brother said it best in an email to my parents (hope he doesn't mind i share)

i have been a proud son watching you two take care of your parents. you have been, and are, great examples of two common godly people...
common give you access to just about everyone....
godly makes you anything but common to affect just about everyone...
the way the nurses and caretakers talk about you, and some of the retired folks up in *****... it seems that gma and gpa prepared you two for a life to also bring glory to God... and perhaps one of her best ministries in life was preparing you and then unknowingly inviting you to encourage, affect and provide a real christian example of loving children taking care of their elderly parent..... and in doing so... many lives have been touched....

if my grandfather was still around, he would be nothing short of amazed at how beautifully my parents have cared for grandma. they have went over and above what anyone else in their family has done. my father promised my grandpa before he passed on that grandma would be taken care of to the best of their ability, and they have kept their promise to him. what an example they have been to all those around them. i hope that if i am ever in the same situation, that i can do what they have done.

i want the people who are caring for her to know her...the real her. do they see her just as some old woman who they have to change and bathe? i want them to know how crazy and funny she was. how she loved and cared for everyone she knew. they don't know about the countless times she made a bed for me on the couch. or the fun tea parties she and i would have. or the cake she helped me make for my mom's birthday. or the black licorice that she used to love to eat. they don't know about her sunbuckles or her lefse... they just don't know her, and how incredibly special she is.

so, that is my prayer tonight. that if these are her final days, weeks, that the people surrounding her, and caring for her are showing her love. i pray that she is surrounded by nurses and doctors who are going above and beyond, because ya know what, she deserves it. i pray that Jesus is whispering in her ear, telling her either to fight because her work here is not finished, or that her home has been prepared. oh how i want her to be free of this life and what it has done to her, but i just wish we all could go with...

the end.