I had begun journaling this pregnancy right away. It was never a thought of mine that it would begin and end within 5 days of each other. But, this baby deserves to be documented in our family journal, so here is what I have written.....
I began feeling a bit "chesty" and having to use the bathroom a lot for a couple weeks. I decided to secretly get one of those super cheapo tests at the dollar tree. I took the test Thursday evening, and it was negative. So, I just was waiting for my cycle to come, and was assuming that this was just going to be one doozy of a good one. Each day went by, and no cycle came. My chest became more and more sore, and I decided to just buy an actual real test at Walmart. So, Wednesday the 22nd, I took a test around 5 pm. As I swirled the test around in the "sample", I just said "okay God...this is all you...do what you do". 3 minutes later, I was looking at a positive.
I started getting shaky and my heart was beating out of my chest. Daddy was at work, Avery was in bed sleeping because she was sick, and Liv was playing playstation. I had to call someone, so I shut the door to the girls' room and called my mom. I think I said "what in the world?" "Are we REALLY talking about this?" a million times.
I was able to get a hold of daddy on gmail chat, and told him that I was coming down with influenza like Avery had, and begged him to come home. He said he found someone to cover for him, and was on his way home. This was a little after 6 pm. A whole hour of me knowing and not telling him...it was killing me!
I wrapped up the test in a little gift bag, and put it on his desk downstairs. When he walked in, I told him "I got you something funny at Walmart...come and see" So we walked downstairs, and I stood behind him as he unwrapped the gift. He looked at me and said, "What is this, and glanced at the test, and looked at me and said "shut up...is this for real?" Um, yup....for real. To say that he was shocked is an understatement. He said he didn't want to tell the girls, yet....
We went upstairs and were living in shock looking at one another. After 5 minutes, Daddy looked at me and said "so, you want to tell them?", and I said YES of course!
So, we called them both out in the living room, and I told them that I have a baby growing in my tummy. Olivia started to scream and cry, and Avery just looked mad, and went back to my room and was quiet as a mouse. It took Olivia at least 15 minutes to calm down. She said that she didn't want a baby because 1. she didn't want to have to drive to the hospital (she has been having some car sick problems lately), and 2.she didn't want Winnie to chew the baby. Avery stayed very quiet, and has just given us a big thumbs down when we talked about it.
Our families were all thrilled and surprised, and that has helped a lot. Our friends have also had a fun chuckle with us, too. While this is in no way planned, we are slowly getting used to the idea of another baby, and are looking forward to it! :)
We shared the news publicly on Sunday. 5 am on monday morning i was woken up by really really bad cramping. I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I went out to the kitchen to warm up a heating pad, and my body went into some sort of numb/cold sensation, with extreme dizziness. I had to hold on to the counter to keep from falling over. I woke up my husband, and then ended up vomiting. I layed on couch with a hot pad on my tummy for an hour, and fell asleep. I woke up at 8 with no cramping, but still bleeding. I ended up calling the clinic, and was told to come in as soon as i could. I had an exam done, and bloodwork, and was sent over later in the day for an ultrasound. At the ultrasound was when they saw that there was nothing there. A couple hours later we received the news from my bloodwork, and it was evident that i had suffered a miscarriage.
lots of tears, and many thoughts are going on in my head. i feel guilty being so flippant about this pregnancy, and not really believing it, because as soon as i realized it was threatened, is when i wanted it even more.
we will be fine. as my husband said, God is still on His throne, unchanged, as is our faith in Him.
it's hard to wonder why, though. Why would God choose, after all of these years and with me not being able to have kids any more (or so i thought), and then take it right away? why is there 2 miscarriages in our family within a week of each other?
life is not meant to be easy, and this is not easy. painful, emotional, anger...lots of emotions and feelings going on. I don't want to see anyone or talk to anyone for fear of crying. my mom got in the car and drove here as soon as she heard, so she is taking care of me and the girls (winnie, too).
Thankful for my faith, my family, my girls, my hubby....makes getting through each day bearable...